I am so upset

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just feel sick from my heart to my stomach and back. My mind keeps turning this problem over and over minute after minute, hour after hour for two days now.

My eleven year old granddaughter was taken out of class, searched, and questioned -- accused of using drugs and bringing drugs to school. It seems that someone had been spreading rumors about her being on drugs. Told his parents who brought a delegation to school and demanded the principal do something. Told all the other students in his grade -- not class -- that she was on drugs. Instead of him getting into trouble for an obvious lie, she was taken to the principal's office without being told why and told to turn out her pockets, take off her shoes, and empty her book bag. Of course, nothing was found. The principal, with preconceived ideas of guilt because of the parents' visit, asked her vague questions and then railed at her for 'not being forthcoming'. What IS the right answer to, "Have you been showing something around school?" when no one mentioned they were looking for drugs?

I feel it was a rumor-fed witch hunt and you always pick the person who is different when hunting. And she is different. Those who know and love her accept and treasure her different-ness. She was born contrary. As a toddler, mom and dad used to tell her NOT to eat her supper at meal time and NOT to go to bed at night because it was the fastest way to get compliance. Knowing that would be impossible at school age, we all worked hard to keep our directions positive.

Now in fifth grade, she is a bright girl who is at the top of her class. She will never fit anyone's idea of typical although she is polite and respectful. She behaves and sees the world differently from others her age. Still tending to be contrary, she will say the opposite thinking it a great joke. Her teacher knows and appreciates her 'querkiness'. We have discussed the need to watch for those marching to the beat of a different drummer* -- a quote I kept in my top desk drawer as a teacher.

She is the kind of child who will disprove an accepted theory or find a cure for disease simply because everyone says is impossible to do. She was my wish, granted on a shooting star and special before she was even conceived. I hurt so deeply for her.

As it happened, the principal had her sit in another room while she "investigated the facts" by questioning other students. When her father asked what infraction of school policy she was guilty of, the principal didn't know yet. When he asked what her 'punishment' might be he was told it might be anything from an in-school suspension to expulsion she couldn't say yet. Her father asked that he be called and given that information after it was decided and the principal agreed.

It seems that when being teased (bullied) repeatedly for being silly(?) weird(?) the boy suggested she had to be on drugs to act like that. We teach our children not to tattle. We teach them to joke when teased because THEY will stop teasing when they see it doesn't bother you. That's what she did.

She said, "Yes", as contrary as ever.

As far as we know, there were no drugs found. No one had seen her with drugs. No one had seen her take drugs. No one had been given or offered drugs from her. Yet everyone questioned KNEW she used them. They had all been told she did by the same person, the bully.

It must have taken the principal the whole day to "collect" her facts, because as far as Gypsy knew she sat the whole day waiting to answer possible new questions. She was not told this was her in-school suspension. Her father was not called regarding the infraction or reprimand. Nevertheless, at day's end, the principal announced that this day spent in the waiting room would be her punishment -- in other words -- time served.

What did Gypsy learn from this other than that lies spread get one child praise and another humiliated, yelled at, and punished(?) without ever being told what school rule they violated. I guess the official decision was "Interfering with the learning of others." for lack of something better.

As an aside, there is nothing in the student handbook that outlaws what students talk about while outside waiting for the bus where this supposedly happened (and not a lot of learning going on either), while there is something about bulling and spreading rumors.

If the principal had taken the time to speak to Gypsy's teacher this all could have been avoided. If she hadn't been approached by angry parents weeks earlier, she wouldn't have reacted in this way. If she had known Gypsy at all this would never have come up. Yes, I am biased, but the whole situation was not handled well.

I don't want Gypsy to change. I don't want her to fit into someone else's square or circle. I want her to be happy being herself and right now she enjoys that she is an original and we who care are all okay with that.

Sniff, sniff.
----
*"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

So sorry to hear that this happened to Gypsy, Red. It sounds to me that the school admin. has not handled this properly at all. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?? I would think another student's word against hers should not hold so much water. It would be different to call her in if a teacher was the one voicing suspicion (i.e. having smelled smoke on her or seeing glazed, red eyes.) The principal totally overreacted IMO and it sounds like Gypsy's rights have been violated. Her parents should have been contacted first thing. If the principal was doing this out of caring for her well-being, I think it would have been done differently. It sounds to me that he/she is a bigger bully than the kid at the bus stop. I hope she will not take this to heart and will stay strong and true to herself. It sounds like you and her parents will be able to give her good support and help her through it.

What Journery said!!
Having been 'different' all my life, my heart breaks for Gypsy, and for you.
But from the way you describe her, she seems to be such a strong and independant young lady that she will get through teasing and even bullying just fine. She knows who she is and won't be fooled into thinking less of herself because someone tells her it's so.

Red I am so sorry for your granddaughter. I too love the saying march to the beat of different drummer. I had clients that went though the samething, their son was a little older. They had a hair drug test done on their son. Not only will hair test tell if person is on drugs, but if any where used in the past. The test was not cheap, but when came back no drug use ever, it was worth every penny. They then bought results to school board. They made the school send out a letter to every family that had a child in that school.

Red, I am so sorry this has happened to your free spirited Gypsy. It seems to me, from what you have said, that the principal could have just talked to Gypsy's teacher, and saved a lot of heartache. You have expressed your feelings so well in your post; could you just print this off and send copies to the principal and school board?
Grandparents are often not considered in decisions about kids, unfortunately. Does Gypsy's dad feel that her rights have been violated, or that a public apology needs to take place? Or is he more the type to just let it go, not wanting to stir the pot? What does Gypsy say?

I am not in any way condoning what the principal did, however school personal are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Principals are required to behave like cops and clearly did not have the training to address these rumors in a more appropriate manor. The child will bounce back but the school should be apologizing to the family and making amends to the child. You will get over this Grandma. Give it a little time and hug and kiss her for the great kid that she is.

My first concern is for your granddaughter. Make sure she gets all the help she needs via a counselor, her parents, church, etc. She needs to feel loved and accepted by those that matter.

My second concern is that this does not happen again or to another child. This problem needs to be corrected. It needs to be brought before the school board and the principal needs to be disciplined or given some training.

Be your grandddaughter's voice and make as many people aware as you can of the problem. These sort of things need to be addressed. Your granddaughter has an amazing grandma who is there for her. She is stronger than you think. Tell her all your TEG friends are cheering for her.

Mary

Red,
My heart breaks for you and Gypsy. She seems the kind of child I would ADORE. I do think the principal over reacted to *Gossip* from some miss-guided parents. Poor Gypsy. Having been wrongly accused myself I know the sick feelings she, and you, are all having. I agree with Mary's suggestion that the Principal could us some training on how to deal with these types of issues. Big Hugs to all of you. I believe Gypsy will be fine (and some wiser) after this. Her family is there for her always and setting a good example of how to treat others.
hugs, CAROL DEE

Have a heart to heart with Gypsy. This is a prime example of jacka$$ behavior that she will encounter many more times in her life. Help her to learn from this and not let it become a detriment to her life. There will always be bullies, there will always be those in authority that are wrong. How she handles it in the future could stem from how she handles this incident right now. The world is not perfect and neither are the people in it.

That is just wrong. I don't know how else to put it. I am so sorry for you guys