Sad situation, looking for some feedback

[thistlebloom]

A few weeks ago my 83 year old mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is hard to think about, and hard to talk about. My insides churn when it comes to mind.

But I want to use the time left wisely. I am about a 14 hour drive away, so going to see her very often isn't going to be possible, but we will go as soon as possible and as many times as we can. Those of you who have been in this situation and have some perspective can maybe give me some idea about what you think is important.

I know that every individual is different, and every situation is also, but any thoughts are appreciated. She wasn't going to tell us kids, and she can be a little mule headed. Now that we know, she doesn't want advice, I don't really have any, but my sis went through this with her FIL, and has told my mom some things to save her some grief and get the best help possible. Mom basically told her to save her breath.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

 

[hoodat]

IMHO the quality of the time you spend with her is more important than the amount. Don't waste it arguing with her over treatment. It is the right of all of us to choose how we face it.
Spend whatever time you can manage just letting her know she is loved.

 

[canesisters]

When my Mom was going through chemo, and Dad had to leave early for work, I stopped by every morning for coffee before leaving for work. It made us all feel better that someone had 'laid eyes on her' after she had gotten up. When my start time changed from 9:00 to 6am, the morning visits weren't possible, so I started calling her every morning about 9am.
I was extremely blessed to be close enough that daily visits were easy - but maybe you can start a calling schedule. Most of the time Mom just told me about what the cats were up to and what birds were on the feeder and such. But it was the daily contact that was important - not the topics. Sometimes we would plan these grand trips, or she would listen to my plans for chickens and a garden... We would spend days planning out holiday meals. Sometimes it was mostly gossip. Sometimes she would eventually get around to telling me something that was giving her trouble with her treatment and I was able to suggest some help - those sorts of things never came up until we had been talking for a while. She told me once that sometimes the only reason she got out of bed was because the phone was going to be ringing soon and she knew I'd worry if she didn't answer.
I agree with Hoodat, treatment options are up to her and there is little you can do to influence her decisions.
I think that treatment often makes patients feel isolated and alone - and that IS something you can change. Also, I don't know if there is an expected prognosis or not, and I hope that your Mom will make a full recovery - but make the most of each day you have with her.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I agree with the others. Offer support and contact, not necessarily advice. You want to take care of her as if she is a little child again, but leave her some dignity. If she can face it, let her. Take your cue from her.

When Dad was on his death bed from kidneys, heart, and just old age, you should have seen his eyes light up when my sister brought his great-granddaughter into the hospital room. Maybe get as many of the later generations to visit as you can if that is what she wants.

I think Ill call Mom later this morning after she is up.

 

[Nyboy]

No advice just want to say sorry.

 

[journey11]

I am so sorry, Thistle. That is a bad cancer to have. Hoodat said it well. Just surround her with as much love as possible. Praying for you, your mom and your whole family an extra measure of grace right now.

 

[digitS']

This is just about me and my Mom, Thistle': Mom died 5 years ago after living with heart failure for a dozen years.

The illness changed just about everything. However, she was still Mom. Part of that was that she was still a very stubborn, out-spoken person who loved to remember the people and events of her past. She was 87 when she died and had lived a good long while.

She didn't care to live much longer. Life had become such a burden that many pleasures had passed. When she became very ill, I told her that she would need to see a doctor and go to the hospital. She couldn't just go to bed and stay there. That time, an ambulance was called. After a 3 week stay in the hospital/nursing home, she was able to return home. She was so happy to come home to her tea with honey, looking out at the birdfeeder in the backyard. But, she had made a decision. She didn't want to go to the hospital before and in 3 months when she was very ill again, she intended to just stay in her own bed. Hospice was there to help Dad.

I was fortunate to be able to visit her every day when she was in the hospital and nursing home. I had hoped that she would find something, just anything, in the nursing home that she could enjoy a little. We would sometimes visit their day room and I would often leave her there. On the way out to the parking lot, I could see in the window to where I'd left her. In the time that it had taken me to get around the building, she was always gone. She wasn't very good at navigating that wheelchair but there was nothing that made her comfortable about that place.

Mom made her decisions known and put up with us trying to change her mind. Our interests couldn't change her thinking. We could not live her life for her .

Steve

 

[seedcorn]

IMHO the quality of the time you spend with her is more important than the amount. Don't waste it arguing with her over treatment. It is the right of all of us to choose how we face it.
Spend whatever time you can manage just letting her know she is loved.

Agree. My folks were 7 hours away, tried to get them to move closer for 3+ years to no avail. Time to share appreciate for your life, who you have become, etc. with her. Avoid ALL arguments, let her eat what she wants, do what she wants. Saddest time of my life but death is unavoidable.

 

[Carol Dee]

Thistle, My heart aches fo you. Mom passed a year ago. She also was very stuborn and as Digits Mom wanted nothing to do with hospitals, etc... she was done. And at peace with her decision. We where the ones that struggled with it. Hoodat said it well. Respect her decisions and love her.
Big hugs and prayers sent to you.

 

[lesa]

Oh, thistle- so sorry to hear that sad news. It is surely going to be difficult for you, being so far away. What about asking her when and how she would like you to visit. Maybe she would like extra support now, in the beginning- or maybe she would rather have you there later? Does she have any family nearby? I am lucky, I have my parents are only a few miles away- but my brother is 5 hours away. Needless to say, he isn't able to visit very often.
As usual, Hoodat shares very wise advice, indeed. I have gone through cancer treatments and I can tell you for sure- I personally wouldn't dream of doing that again in my 80's (should I be lucky enough to live that long.) Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Sitting here far from the problem- I am 100 percent confident that your mother is a wonderful person. No way you would be who you are, without her being so... All the best to you both.