Garden humor thread..

Carol Dee

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For new members: I do NOT have any cats. My eldest granddaughter asked me to give her cat a home just before the appointment they had to euthanize it. Her cat has been here 11 years.

My youngest granddaughter's two cats were brought out guard the woodworking shop with its corn burner furnace. Her cats are still here four years later. I buy feed. I provide food and water. I take cats to the vet for care and shots. They are NOT my cats! I don't have any cats and don't want any cats.
Funny how that worked out. Apparently someone thought you NEEDED cats!
 

baymule

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our drinks and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
....

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h***. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the d*** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day The d*** snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying.

Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white s**** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p***ed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the a**h*** is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b**** and
beat him to death with my broken shovel.. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the d*** snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the d***
slop tonight - Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. D***, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the h*** did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B------ is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his a?. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
 

Smart Red

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Yup! That about covers it for South-est, central-est Wisconsin. Lots of babies born in September (power outages in December), lots of divorce papers filed in January, and liquor sales soar well after the holidays with families getting on each other's nerves -- nothing they can do and nowhere they can go.

On the other hand, seed catalog dealers rely on the snowbound gardeners over ordering in a futile effort to force an early spring.
 

Nyboy

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CL
Originally Posted: 2015-11-12 1:12pm
print
Sofa Sleeper Couch Looking For A New Best Friend


Sofa Sleeper Couch Looking For A New Best Friend

Hey there... so yeah, my worst fears have been realized. I was kicked out by my best friend this weekend. Him and his girlfriend are moving in together. He broke the news to me over the weekend. She couldn't "bear to part with her couch", so I'm the one that has to move out. I KNEW she felt threatened by me... I could tell the first time she sat on me. So, I'm looking for a new room mate and potential best friend... someone that appreciates what I have to offer and won't drop me just because their girl tells them to. Honestly, I'm a chick magnet... girls love me! Probably why she felt threatened by me, you know? We had some really good times... and I was always there for him when he was too tired to stumble upstairs. Guess I'm still in shock... I never dreamed this would happen.

So a little about me... I was separated from my parents when I was very young. My mother was a Queen (bed) and very highly respected. My father, however, was a common sectional couch and their relationship was looked upon as taboo in those days. When the Queen produced a sofa sleeper, I was quickly taken away and placed for adoption, as to not bring further shame to the kingdom. That's how I came to meet my best friend... he took me in and we formed a bond... a bond I never thought would break. We partied, we watched tv together... I even went to Rockfest with him one year and crowd-surfed! It was amazing!

So that's pretty much my story in a nutshell. Really hoping to find a new home soon. I adapt easily... I'm good in guest bedrooms, man caves... heck, even a garage would be cool! Think of the good times we could have together. I promise I'll provide you with lots of good memories and restful sleep! You can e-mail, call or text me. I'm around during the day from 8am until 4pm Monday thru Friday. I'm anxiously waiting to hear from you and get this party started, my friend! Remember, it's first come first serve... whoever gets here first is my new best friend! I'm not waiting around...






post id: 5312707516


email to friend


♥ best of [?]


 

valley ranch

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A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."
 
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