Garden humor thread..

Carol Dee

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I swear this is a true story

Back when I was in college I relied heavily on the university dining hall for my meals (like most college students) One day when I was sitting down with my friends I mentioned that the meal should be interesting, as I had never had Irish Pot roast before. After I took my first bite someone asked "well, what do you think of it?"

It was at this point I made a VERY unfortunate choice of words. What I meant was "Not bad, tastes sold of like the seasoned cow's tongue my mom used to sometimes cook for us"

What I actually said was, "Not bad; taste like my mother's tongue."

It took them twenty minutes to stop laughing......and another ten for me to stop going red with embarrasment.
 

Pulsegleaner

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Yeah and I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.

Another Food hall tale, I actually sang out the opening line of this after an accident on barbecue night

The mayonnaise rots in the hot sun,
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

My trouser's spatterd with a white scum
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

a mound of salad knocked off my plate
by my hamburger bun
am I under a curse of is this just fate?
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

Through the fabric the cabbage juice has run
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

No my pants are ruined and it's no fun
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won

My friends are pointing and laughing at me
as if its one big pun
humiliation's such misery
I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won,I fought Coleslaw and Coleslaw won (repeat til end of song)

(To the tune of "I Fought the Law" (preferably the original version by the crickets)

If you like this one I have a few other food songs I can post.
 

Pulsegleaner

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To the tune of "In The Navy" by the Village People

When you find you roast beef
dried out beyond belief
dehydrated; just not moist.
When you find your turkey
is as hard a jerkey
and looks like a roofing joist.
When you country breakfast
has become a wreck-fest
tough as over-boiled goat.
Learn you this discovery
you will find recovery
in a pointed silver boat

USE THE GRAVY!
Utilize tha sauce so brown
USE THE GRAVY!
pour it on and chow on down
USE THE GRAVY!
makes even failed food get renown
USE THE GRAVY! USE THE GRAVY!

I WANT YOU! I WANT YOU!, I WANT YOU!
TO USE SAUCE AU JUS!

At one time this was how I actually felt on the matter. Tune is "Coal Tatoo" by Billy ed Wheeler (link, since fewer people will know this one
).

Travelin' down that fast food strip
Listen to my rubber tires sqeal
goodby to Wendy's and Jack in the Box
I need a greasier meal

I been a junk eater all of my life,
nuthin' will make me cease
got a gut like a balloon ready bout to burst
sweat as slick as the grease

Somebody said "That's a lot of red marks,
You got on your gut, thighs and chops."
I said "That the markin's left by the fat"
"A little more and my heart stops
But I love the texture,
and I love the taste
I love the feel in mah mouth
And I cant stop this need on the base of my health
no matter how far it goes south."

I stood for the transfats and walked in the line
and fought 'gainst the heath board,NYC
I stood for the right for all food to taste good
now who's gonna stand for me?
I lost my shape
an' I lost my tone
just got a big spare wheels
and a dickey heart that about to fall apart
left by the number five meal.

Someday when I'm dead and gone
an sent to my eternal rest
I won't have to worry 'bout chest pains or stokes
or what's on my blood sugar test
IU ain't gonna pay my money away
for sprouts,tofu, or brewers yeast
I'm gonna chow down while my soul still around
then go to that Heavenly feast.
 

ducks4you

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When I was at a college campus there was a womens' soccer game going on so I went over to watch. A couple of guys had carried a sofa over to watch the game so they could be couch potatoes. I think they found that sofa one trash day.
That's how my youngest DD found her couch! She contacted an old HS friend, undergraduate, about moving in together off campus for DD's first year Law School (3 hours from home). Her friend found the couch next to the dumpster at the trailer park.
DD ended up minus a roommate (graduated), 2nd semester, but she paid $300/month for a 2 bedroom trailer with, really a lot of room. She spent the 2nd year alone, and then her full time jobless sister(who got a part time retail job), moved in with her year three.
They kept the couch the whole 3 years and put it back by the dumpster when they were packing to leave.
I wouldn't be surprised if somebody else took it in!
After an initial thorough cleaning, it wasn't a bad couch, and was even a good bed for visitors.
 

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