I've been lurking, and popping in once in awhile. Don't really have much to post garden wise, and don't want to tarnish the joy of Spring for others. But I'm not doing too great, although our children, neighbors, and long-time friends are doing their best to help me through this. Went to a funeral for the husband of one of Elena's friends today, who paid her respects to Elena while she was still grieving her own loss just 2 days earlier. Yesterday, I was witnessing a military funeral at the invitation of the local veterans Honor Guard, which I intend to join.
But I've been spending far too much time in cemeteries... and with Memorial Day just around the corner, I realize that most of the people I love, and who loved me, are buried there. For the first time in my life, I see my hereditary longevity as not a blessing, but a curse.
People tell me "you'll forget with time", or "time heals all wounds". But for me, love has no past tense. I never say "loved", because true love endures... and if pain is the price to pay for the loss of such a beautiful, precious thing, so be it. The vows we took ended with death - the love did not. I miss her terribly. Both of our daughters & their families live in my city, our sons & their families live 30 minutes away, and I'm surrounded by wonderful, caring neighbors... so I'm not considering a move. The fruit trees we planted together, and her beautiful perennial gardens, are memories to be cherished & lovingly tended. I just hope that at some point, all the loving touches, all the endless little things that Elena did to turn our house into a home, will bring me more smiles than sadness.
Before I can reach that point though, I still have to clear the hurdles of both taxes (which were not filed because I was away at hospital for late March & most of April) and settling the estate. All of our property was held jointly, but Elena had her own bank account & IRA. She never designated a beneficiary (I never felt it appropriate to bring up the topic, and accepted the risk) so we are likely headed to probate. Her estate is so small that it just barely met the bar for probate, so if it goes that route, there may not be much left. As much as it pains me to do so, I am turning both issues over to professionals.
At some point, I will talk about the horror story that was our trip through the medical system. Callous, arrogant doctors, and dangerous systemic failures. They literally were suggesting hospice while Elena was recovering... and it became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I've completely lost faith in corporate medicine.
Some of Elena's friends took me to a party tonight to cheer me up, which is the reason I'm up so late. I'm home & not falling apart yet, so I owe them my thanks... as well as thanks to the friends here who have reached out.
