Rhodie Ranch
Garden Master
I think of you often and wonder if you could use some talk on here. Talk therapy! Nothing intrusive, just companionship from all of us to YOU!
How are you, Zeedman?
- Thread starter Rhodie Ranch
- Start date
Zeedman
Garden Addicted
I've been lurking, and popping in once in awhile. Don't really have much to post garden wise, and don't want to tarnish the joy of Spring for others. But I'm not doing too great, although our children, neighbors, and long-time friends are doing their best to help me through this. Went to a funeral for the husband of one of Elena's friends today, who paid her respects to Elena while she was still grieving her own loss just 2 days earlier. Yesterday, I was witnessing a military funeral at the invitation of the local veterans Honor Guard, which I intend to join.
But I've been spending far too much time in cemeteries... and with Memorial Day just around the corner, I realize that most of the people I love, and who loved me, are buried there. For the first time in my life, I see my hereditary longevity as not a blessing, but a curse.
People tell me "you'll forget with time", or "time heals all wounds". But for me, love has no past tense. I never say "loved", because true love endures... and if pain is the price to pay for the loss of such a beautiful, precious thing, so be it. The vows we took ended with death - the love did not. I miss her terribly. Both of our daughters & their families live in my city, our sons & their families live 30 minutes away, and I'm surrounded by wonderful, caring neighbors... so I'm not considering a move. The fruit trees we planted together, and her beautiful perennial gardens, are memories to be cherished & lovingly tended. I just hope that at some point, all the loving touches, all the endless little things that Elena did to turn our house into a home, will bring me more smiles than sadness.
Before I can reach that point though, I still have to clear the hurdles of both taxes (which were not filed because I was away at hospital for late March & most of April) and settling the estate. All of our property was held jointly, but Elena had her own bank account & IRA. She never designated a beneficiary (I never felt it appropriate to bring up the topic, and accepted the risk) so we are likely headed to probate. Her estate is so small that it just barely met the bar for probate, so if it goes that route, there may not be much left. As much as it pains me to do so, I am turning both issues over to professionals.
At some point, I will talk about the horror story that was our trip through the medical system. Callous, arrogant doctors, and dangerous systemic failures. They literally were suggesting hospice while Elena was recovering... and it became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I've completely lost faith in corporate medicine.
Some of Elena's friends took me to a party tonight to cheer me up, which is the reason I'm up so late. I'm home & not falling apart yet, so I owe them my thanks... as well as thanks to the friends here who have reached out.
But I've been spending far too much time in cemeteries... and with Memorial Day just around the corner, I realize that most of the people I love, and who loved me, are buried there. For the first time in my life, I see my hereditary longevity as not a blessing, but a curse.
People tell me "you'll forget with time", or "time heals all wounds". But for me, love has no past tense. I never say "loved", because true love endures... and if pain is the price to pay for the loss of such a beautiful, precious thing, so be it. The vows we took ended with death - the love did not. I miss her terribly. Both of our daughters & their families live in my city, our sons & their families live 30 minutes away, and I'm surrounded by wonderful, caring neighbors... so I'm not considering a move. The fruit trees we planted together, and her beautiful perennial gardens, are memories to be cherished & lovingly tended. I just hope that at some point, all the loving touches, all the endless little things that Elena did to turn our house into a home, will bring me more smiles than sadness.
Before I can reach that point though, I still have to clear the hurdles of both taxes (which were not filed because I was away at hospital for late March & most of April) and settling the estate. All of our property was held jointly, but Elena had her own bank account & IRA. She never designated a beneficiary (I never felt it appropriate to bring up the topic, and accepted the risk) so we are likely headed to probate. Her estate is so small that it just barely met the bar for probate, so if it goes that route, there may not be much left. As much as it pains me to do so, I am turning both issues over to professionals.
At some point, I will talk about the horror story that was our trip through the medical system. Callous, arrogant doctors, and dangerous systemic failures. They literally were suggesting hospice while Elena was recovering... and it became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I've completely lost faith in corporate medicine.
Some of Elena's friends took me to a party tonight to cheer me up, which is the reason I'm up so late. I'm home & not falling apart yet, so I owe them my thanks... as well as thanks to the friends here who have reached out.
Ridgerunner
Garden Master
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2009
- Messages
- 8,102
- Reaction score
- 9,521
- Points
- 397
- Location
- Southeast Louisiana Zone 9A
This is so intensely personal I have no idea what to say. I've lost parents and siblings but none were as intense as what you are going through. These trite sayings hold some truth for a lot of people but not for everyone, we have to find our own way to grieve and to cope. It may be the wrong thing to say to you but for me I do what I do for the living. It's apparent you have people that care a lot for you. For the dead, well those are my quieter moments.
- Thread starter
- #5
Rhodie Ranch
Garden Master
I wish the love emoji wasn't with a gregarious smile, as I LOVED your heartfelt reply to us. But didn't feel gleeful about it like the emoji indicates...
I'm very pleased to hear that your children are nearby. DD's and DS's are an important support to us who are in the last quarter of our lives. Your support network is there to catch you, hold you and let you grieve as you wish.
You are correct - we love our loved ones. We didn't just LOVED them - we still do and will forever.
Her gardens - go out there, enjoying the coming summer. Sit and listen and then talk to Elena. I believe she will listen and you will get comfort from her.
Hugs and gentle pat pat pats on your back. Your love is eternal.
I'm very pleased to hear that your children are nearby. DD's and DS's are an important support to us who are in the last quarter of our lives. Your support network is there to catch you, hold you and let you grieve as you wish.
You are correct - we love our loved ones. We didn't just LOVED them - we still do and will forever.
Her gardens - go out there, enjoying the coming summer. Sit and listen and then talk to Elena. I believe she will listen and you will get comfort from her.
Hugs and gentle pat pat pats on your back. Your love is eternal.
flowerbug
Garden Master
it sounds like you went through a bunch of nightmares there.
grieving and healing go at their own paces and not always in a straight trend line - perhaps more like bird acrobatics... keeping busy when you can - it will keep you from settling into a rut and also perhaps provide some break from it all too. you'll often be in my thoughts and hopes.
grieving and healing go at their own paces and not always in a straight trend line - perhaps more like bird acrobatics... keeping busy when you can - it will keep you from settling into a rut and also perhaps provide some break from it all too. you'll often be in my thoughts and hopes.
baymule
Garden Master
I get it. I’m in Galveston, came to help a friend cater a wedding. Couple other people came and brought their families. Wound up with 8 adults, 4 kids and 4 dogs in an Air B&B. It has been chaos and pandemonium. Took kids to beach this afternoon and they had the best time!
I’ve had a good time, leave for home in the morning. But I didn’t come alone. I brought BJ’s picture with me. I love him. Pure and simple.
Those “good intenders” who say you’ll forget, time heals all wounds and so on, mean well. But those are empty words.
The pain of loss is worth every moment spent with your beautiful flower, every cherished memory of all the wonderful times y’all had together.
I’ll take the hit, I’ll take the pain, because I sure had the joy. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.
I’ve had a good time, leave for home in the morning. But I didn’t come alone. I brought BJ’s picture with me. I love him. Pure and simple.
Those “good intenders” who say you’ll forget, time heals all wounds and so on, mean well. But those are empty words.
The pain of loss is worth every moment spent with your beautiful flower, every cherished memory of all the wonderful times y’all had together.
I’ll take the hit, I’ll take the pain, because I sure had the joy. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.
Zeedman
Garden Addicted
Well said. We walk, I think, the same road.
baymule
Garden Master
Yes we do.
Marie2020
Deeply Rooted
- Joined
- May 21, 2020
- Messages
- 1,883
- Reaction score
- 3,331
- Points
- 175
