Mother's who live with you

[Rhodie Ranch]

So that I didn't totally hijack NyBoy's thread about Pop...

My mother wants to live with us. She's now 8 hours away, will be turning 88 and is in better shape than I at 63. She lives in a three story townhouse and runs up and down the stairs all day long. She's also wealthy. My sis runs her estate monies for her, but Mother battles her tooth and nail. Another story.

I"m the eldest and the one that emotionally takes care of Mother. I call her two times a week, email her interesting things, and generally am her friend. The other three kids (except for my sis's fiduciary duties) ignore her. Completely. She plays bridge 4 days a week, goes out and about alot, but all her friends are dying off. Almost every weekend is a funeral for someone or someone's husband she knows. She has close friends down there, but gets mighty lonely at nights. I cook her meals for her, and transport them in little containers to her freezer every time we see her.

She so wants to move, but the big hurdle will be:
1. how in the he@@ does she get rid of all her things? Furniture, closets upon closets of clothes, things and more things, china, crystal, things, mementos, glass, vases, things from all the world trips she's taken (and remembers so well!) (I can barely remember last year).
2. how in the he@@ do I live with her? She drives me crazy when on her turf, but we've taken her traveling with us and she's mmmmuuuuchhh better about nagging, and criticizing. We took her on a two week trip to Lake Havasu in late January and I did well, until the last two days when I hit the proverbial fan with her.

Tell me your stories of frustration, triumph, patience of Job, and joys of taking care of your Mother. Thank you.

 

[Beekissed]

My case is a little different, as I moved in with her, instead of her moving in with me...though she did move in with for a year out of necessity(a whole other story I won't get into). Moving in with her keeps her in her familiars, which is easier on her...that won't be the case with your mom, so I don't know if my situation can help you.

I also don't have to worry about a husband and making THAT work as well...I think that would be very difficult, as three is always a crowd.

Even with moving into her space and having already lived with her as an adult on previous occasions, there's always an adjustment. She was VERY type A and a clean freak about the house, about working and never sitting down, etc. I am only a little that way, so we had a few rounds when she came to my place~I still had 2 teenage boys at home~ and also when I came to hers(after the boys had grown and gone).

She asked me both times why it was that SHE had to change instead of me and everyone else...had to explain to her that she was the only one bothered by everyone else, while no one was bothered by the way she lived. Caused her to see the sense in one adapting to fit more neatly into the majority rather than everyone else adapting to fit one person. If she's the only one anxious and stressing out about the joining of two households, then it only stands to reason that she's the one that needs to learn coping mechanisms. Each side needs to learn to compromise but older people seem to have more trouble doing that...set in their ways, maybe?

She has slowly lowered her expectations of everything being spotless at all times...I'm no slob but I'm not clean freak either. I can't stand clutter and mess either but I also don't spend my every waking moment wiping flecks of dust off every surface. There's a happy medium to be found and we've found it~she doesn't obsess about cleaning all the time and I don't get impatient with her passive aggressive ways of wanting to control everyone in the world, her failing memory, and her need to lop off every shrub, flower and blade of grass on the property.

The only way we've achieved some success here has been due to the Lord and the fact that she and I share many similarities and always have gotten along well, despite family problems down through the years. Now we're like an old married couple and very contented with one another, thank the Lord for each other daily and work towards pleasing one another. I wouldn't have traded this time with her for all the riches in this world and she feels the same way. This has truly been the happiest and most peace filled years of my life, this time with Mom, living at the old home place. I never expected that, so it makes it all the more sweet.

That's really the key...loving someone enough to move over a little, working on ways to make them feel loved and wanted, and not letting feelings and problems stew~our family has a tendency to do that and that stewing can go on for 25-30 yrs or more~ while I have a tendency to confront a problem head on and right away. I'm the only one like that in my whole family and I think it's helped her a lot to be around someone like that.

My list so far for successful cohabitation with a parent:

1. Pray for the Lord's guidance

2. Love them more than you love yourself~honoring your parents comes with a blessing, according to the Word of God~Honor your father and your mother: that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God gives you.

3. Make sure they know you love them...if that means making sacrifices on your part, so be it. I've changed some of my ways because I know it pleases her and I frequently check with her to see if anything I'm doing is causing her undue stress.

4. Confront problems right away and work to solve them.

5. Try to find a common interest if you don't already have them. Sharing time together or working together on things makes you feel like a team.

Don't know what to tell you about all her stuff. When I moved in with Mom I got rid of almost ALL my stuff...kept one small dresser, a dog, and a few duffel bags full of clothes.

I still have just that, except I added another dog, two cats and a flock of chickens~all after consulting with her about it and making sure she was comfortable with it. Now she loves having all the animals here, especially the chickens.

Since she's the one who wants to move in with you and she has plenty of money, she can either choose to store her stuff or declutter her life and yours by letting it go. I'd let her know that...if you have room for some of her stuff, I'd have her pick out the most logical and most loved items and then store or sell the rest.

I wish you much success with this, murphysranch. It's a good, good thing to take care of one's parents in this world if it's at all possible for you to do so. When I think of all the years and love that went into raising me to an adult, returning the favor as Mom ages seems pretty paltry in comparison. She deserves my love, care and respect and there's really little in my life that could be more important than providing that for her.

She always has been and still is a blessing to me and I let her know that as often as I can.

 

[catjac1975]

So that I didn't totally hijack NyBoy's thread about Pop...

My mother wants to live with us. She's now 8 hours away, will be turning 88 and is in better shape than I at 63. She lives in a three story townhouse and runs up and down the stairs all day long. She's also wealthy. My sis runs her estate monies for her, but Mother battles her tooth and nail. Another story.

I"m the eldest and the one that emotionally takes care of Mother. I call her two times a week, email her interesting things, and generally am her friend. The other three kids (except for my sis's fiduciary duties) ignore her. Completely. She plays bridge 4 days a week, goes out and about alot, but all her friends are dying off. Almost every weekend is a funeral for someone or someone's husband she knows. She has close friends down there, but gets mighty lonely at nights. I cook her meals for her, and transport them in little containers to her freezer every time we see her.

She so wants to move, but the big hurdle will be:
1. how in the he@@ does she get rid of all her things? Furniture, closets upon closets of clothes, things and more things, china, crystal, things, mementos, glass, vases, things from all the world trips she's taken (and remembers so well!) (I can barely remember last year).
2. how in the he@@ do I live with her? She drives me crazy when on her turf, but we've taken her traveling with us and she's mmmmuuuuchhh better about nagging, and criticizing. We took her on a two week trip to Lake Havasu in late January and I did well, until the last two days when I hit the proverbial fan with her.

Tell me your stories of frustration, triumph, patience of Job, and joys of taking care of your Mother. Thank you.

A professional can be hired to sell off her things. If she is wealthy it should not fall to family. Living near you would be better than living with you. She will never easily let you control your own home. Perhaps there is a assisted living community where she can live. Sounds like she is coming to take over your life. Because there is wealth you should be compensated for changing your life. Your sister handling her estate will and should also be compensated. No family is not about money. But for what she likely will do to your mental health you should be rewarded.

 

[aftermidnight]

@murphysranch At the age of 10 I lost my mother not to death but mental illness, long sad story which I won't go into, she was in care until she passed, at 103. Those of you that still have a mother regardless if she's a pain you know where or a kindred spirit, she's your mom.
I really shouldn't give advice as I haven't had to deal with this kind of thing other than help my MIL out until she moved back east to live with her daughter after my FIL passed. You say your mom has money, heck pack up all her stuff up and put it in storage, it can be dealt with later, there may be things you and your family want to keep.
If she wants to come and live with you and, your family (don't forget them) agree to it, set down some ground rules. This affects the rest of your family as well as you and her. Get her to agree to them it will hopefully help avert problems down the road, it's going to be a challenge for her as well as you.
She has to let go of the reins and hand them over to you, this is going to be a big adjustment for her. But if all agree to this you will look back and think of all this cherished time you had with your mom.

I only hope that if I'm in this situation and I being a very independent person ask my daughter if I can move in, If she says jump I'll say how high.

Annette

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

This is why I asked for comments. Two sides and both spot on.

Bee: I need to print out your reply for frequent referencing. Cat: you are sooo right about my controlling Mother. She's a neat freak, tells me what to do, and is very judgmental. Sadly, I'm going to have to bear it for quite a bit more. Her Mother lived to 100.5 years old. But Grandmother didn't drink, dance or smoke. Mother has done all of that!

One note: I already told her and my sis that I'm charging Mother rent. I laughed with my sis and said that I'd take Mother for 3000 a month. Sis was horrified. I told her then that she can take Mother. She said, "ummm no, I think that 3000 sounds fine with me!". Sis said that she wouldn't take Mother for any amount of money! Sis still has an ill 26 yr old at home, and her 30 yr old son too! Neither one will leave....much to sis's husband's chagrin.

Mother can rent out her town home in Silicon Valley for 6K a month, so she'll be making money! I'm thinking Mother has about a year out to make some final decisions.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

ohhhh, midnight. Good idea about ground rules. I can work on them over the next few months and together, Mother, myself and husband, can review, edit and maybe agree. Mother sometimes forgets and much of the time, conveniently forgets...

 

[Beekissed]

Here's a thought...any room on your land to build a MIL house? Some folks think it a good investment to build Mom an add on to the house or a separate dwelling so as to have less friction.

Some do a garage apartment or a cottage out back and your Mom sounds like she has the money to do this, so if it's possible, that may be a good option.

 

[Rhodie Ranch]

In Oregon, they call it Hardship housing, when the planners make an exception to the zoning of a property. I'd need to prove that Mother is a hardship case and needs us to build her an accommodation dwelling. We do have 2.6 acres, but....Mother has stated before she will not living in a separate house. aauuuughhhhh

 

[Beekissed]

In Oregon, they call it Hardship housing, when the planners make an exception to the zoning of a property. I'd need to prove that Mother is a hardship case and needs us to build her an accommodation dwelling. We do have 2.6 acres, but....Mother has stated before she will not living in a separate house. aauuuughhhhh

Mama's making a lot of conditions, isn't she? Before she even packs up a pair of socks, I'd have a good sit down with her and work out~on paper~how this will all be accomplished...then get it signed and notarized.

She can't have it all her own way if you are the one moving over for her coming to live with you. She'll have to make some good compromises and stick with them....as my mama always said, "Beggars can't be choosers." The person who is most in need is usually the one who has to adapt and compromise the most.

If she doesn't like that option, then it may be best if she moved into assisted senior housing nearby where she can still have a social life but her own space and control over it.

 

[so lucky]

It sounds to me like she wants the best of both worlds: no responsibilities and spend no money for the privilege.
What is her reason for saying she won't live in a separate house?
One of my elderly aunts lived in a small travel trailer on her son's house property. The services were run through the house, and they were on a septic system, so no problems there. It was very convenient for all concerned. I know Oregon is strict about building permits, digging wells, etc. so you would have to overcome those problems.
It sounds to me like she would happily run your life, so I caution you to not make any decisions in haste, and definitely not without the full cooperation of your own family. As much as you may love her and feel indebted to her, those feelings can change pretty quickly after it is too late to back out. There is a reason your siblings don't want to do this.