My Dad

[thistlebloom]

Journey, I'm so happy that your dad is able to be home. Taking one day at a time is the best thing you can do for now. It's a lot of responsibility dealing with everything on your plate right now.

And @Gardening with Rabbits , that's a remarkable story of your husbands response to immunotherapy.

God is good. I would say that it's not prayer that changes things. It's God hearing the prayers that is the reason for the answers.

 

[journey11]

Last night Dad was complaining that his calf hurt. Klaxons went off in my head and I said let me look. One leg is a bit swollen below the knee, not red yet, but soft and swollen. Blood clot. I explained to him this could break loose and kill him and that you can't ignore a blood clot. He said good--he's ready to go. I kept bringing it up, trying to make sure that he understood how serious it was. He told me to go do the dishes! (Laugh, cry, I don't know what...)

He says he will not see the inside of a hospital again. What on earth am I going to do with this man? My sister is afraid to bring over his dinner tonight, scared she'll find him lying there dead. My brother has called for an intervention, all 3 of us to go over today and tell him what's what. Don't know how far that will get.

He has always been this way. It's not just the tumor talking. Back when I used to donate blood in high school he told me he would never ever want a blood transfusion, even from one of us kids. So what do I write in his obit? He died of stubbornness?

There is still the need to get him to do up his will and let us know what he would want for his arrangements, etc. If we can't talk him into going to the ER tonight, I guess it's on to that. Pray for me, my patience is worn!

 

[Smart Red]

Urgent care or emergency doctor's appointment? Perhaps some meds will reduce the blood clot without going to the hospital. Otherwise, hard as it is, you have to honor your father and his wishes.

Perhaps letting him know he'd be leaving a lot of problems for his children and urging him to get medical help while he gets his affairs in order would help.

If that doesn't work, lay his grandchildren on him. They don't need the stress of their parents fighting over his estate. Often playing the "what's right for the grands" card works better than what's good for his children.

Yup, prayers for sure.

 

[digitS']

Mom once said that she didn't have "what it takes," I was a little impatient that she was showing that she wasn't really interested in trying. When Mom began asking, "how did we get so old?!" I realized that she was looking at and including me, also.

She and Dad wanted hospice involved. I was there for the interview but couldn't get it into my head that she was making a decision about life and death. Dad had some minor surgery on his knee shortly after and while he was recuperating, Mom became much worse and wouldn't leave the bed. Dad called one night and asked what I thought he should do. "Call an ambulance." I said.

About a month later, Mom was out of the hospital, out of the nursing home (where she must have hated every moment), and back at home. She was only "okay" for about 2 months. This time, I realized that I should stay out of her and Dad's decisions. She died with only the 2 of us there. The hospice nurse was someone new who had never been to the house and was lost for a time, trying to find the address. I was a little surprised when she did show up and don't think that any of the 3 of us really missed her not being there.

Steve

 

[journey11]

Urgent care or emergency doctor's appointment? Perhaps some meds will reduce the blood clot without going to the hospital. Otherwise, hard as it is, you have to honor your father and his wishes.

Perhaps letting him know he'd be leaving a lot of problems for his children and urging him to get medical help while he gets his affairs in order would help.

If that doesn't work, lay his grandchildren on him. They don't need the stress of their parents fighting over his estate. Often playing the "what's right for the grands" card works better than what's good for his children.

Yup, prayers for sure.

He sure loves his granddaughters. That might work. Savannah's birthday is next week. I'd hope to not have it overshadowed with a funeral.

My brother is tired of being yelled at. Although Dad has snapped at me a time or two, Adam really bears the brunt of it. He didn't get cranky until after he went off of the steriod for the swelling on the brain. My mom said a UTI can make them act that way too. Our first post-op appt is this Thursday. It seems odd to me that they went nearly 3 weeks before having him come in to remove the stitches too.

This is the 3rd time since this began that Dad has told me he wanted to "check out" or "disappear". My brother has heard him say it repeatedly. It is a devastating diagnosis, but there is still more that can be done to buy him time. My grandpa on my dad's side had prostate cancer and committed suicide 20 years ago, leaving my dad with a huge mess to sort out and years spent going back and forth with lawyers to settle the estate. Surely he wouldn't want to do that to us, you would think?! I was really surprised that he didn't already have a will done.

I understand that he is in despair, but ultimately he is being selfish and stubborn, lashing out at the ones who love him and are trying to help him. He should realize how blessed he is, not everyone has that. Not everyone gets extra time to make amends and put their affairs in order. We have all been doing everything we can to help him and we're even getting along and working together. From other people's stories I've heard, that in itself is miraculous. I have a hard time respecting this attitude he has (has always had, really...took him 12 years to admit to us he had Parkinson's.) Every new morning is a gift to me and I'd want to make the most of the time I've been given, not just leave everyone with heaps of unnecessary sadness and bad memories. But that's just me. Maybe he needs something for depression. And I will have to tell the doctor Thursday all of this that has been going on while Dad sits there and shoots darts at me with his eyes. All he wants is to drive again. I can't lie though, I have to tell them he has been having these spells of confusion and loss of short-term memory, on top of the blood clot and the temper.

 

[journey11]

Compared to a brain tumor, I can see how pulmonary embolism sounds like a much better way to go. I cannot make him go to the doctor. As long as he appears to be mentally competent, I will not go against his wishes. I just need him to understand that it affects us all, either way. I tried to tell him they would just give him a blood thinner and monitor him. If it's still swollen and hurting by his appointment on Thursday, I imagine the doctor will make him go in.

 

[ninnymary]

Could you ask or explain to your dad that all you want is a little time to get his affairs in order? After that, he can go when he wishes. Good idea about using the grandkids as leverage. It's really hard to find a solution to your situation. I would just have everyone else work as quickly as possible to get those affairs in order.

I will continue to pray for you and your dad.

Mary

 

[Carol Dee]

@journey11 my heart aches for you. Dad got his diagnosis four stage 4 pancreatic cancer he Set up hospice the next day and was gone in 2 month. When those stubborn old farts decide to dig in and stop fighting to live we really can't do much. Ask him to help you prepare for that time NOW. Get him to the post op appointment and enlist Dr. help. I am happy you have your siblings to help. Big hugs.

 

[Nyboy]

I really feel for you, going though same with my dad. Father does not want to see any more Dr, he is sane, so I need to respect that. About a month ago he was having bad chest pains, i kept asking if he wanted me to take him to ER. My sister and I had the biggest fight over it, she thought I should have dragged him to ER. lucky was only heart burn.

 

[so lucky]

Yes, Journey, I was thinking, too, that if he understands that you won't fight his "checking out" after he gets his affairs in order, you may get him to cooperate with you for a while. And if he makes a deal with you to hang on that long, he may be inspired to want to live a little longer. But I think there is nothing strange about wanting to give up at some point. Not all people get to that stage, but many do. I imagine your dad is very scared to decline to having no control over his life at all.
I can't imagine being totally helpless to the point that you can't even die if you want to. But so many have been. That's why that living will is so important. At least a person isn't kept alive artificially when they could be allowed to pass away naturally.