OK, this might get a little long, so my apologies in advance. My 2 c's... (well, maybe 3 c's)
Because there IS no seed so not rare that someone else is not as deserving as me. Remember everything I say has to be filtered through my clinical depression, and under that I am, and always will be, utterly worthless and so irredeemably evil that there is NO torment so great that I don't deserve it and infinitely worse.
There is also the fact that I know that I am the only one out there who is recognizing how "rare" this seed is. If I don't save it, who will?
You have ABSOLUTELY no reason to feel guilty, or regretful... or to feel that others are more deserving or better qualified to take over your project. What you are doing is truly unique, and the best person to see this project through is YOU. IMO anyone who says otherwise is undeserving of your respect, your seeds, or your friendship.
@aftermidnight and I are both heavily invested in preservation too, and once you begin, you quickly realize one thing - no matter what you do, you can't save them all. There will always be failures, and there will be projects that you wish you could do but lack the resources. But then... there will be successes too, and you should take pride in whatever you accomplish, because no one else has chosen the road you follow. I have the highest respect for what you are trying to do, seeking out diversity that has been overlooked by many others. You are trying to bring something NEW & valuable into the gene pool. Be proud, and persevere.
I tried that once.
The problem is that a lot of people have a very limited view of how much "input" I should have in the process. They only want the seed if it comes with no strings attached at all, no instructions, no directions, no nothing; seed that once they take it is theirs to do with as they please, no further involvement by me.
A few people on the others sites took it even further. At one point I was trying to share a bit of extra corn I had around that had some traits I thought were interesting. What I was suggestion was that the people who took some seed take a few seasons keeping it isolated to clean it up a bit and up the amounts to something significant. Instead they simply tossed it into their land race grexes as is and when it immediately disappeared from sheer drowning out by everything else, they got mad and said the fault was mine, that I should have provided them more seed and I had an obligation to turn over ALL seed I had to them (sort of what I was talking about in reverse, OTHERS demanding I give them everything I own because "I deserve it more than you do". It's often turns into a version of the standard spoiled child rant "I don't want advice, I don't want help, I just want free stuff and when I lose the stuff because I never bothered to learn how to use it, I just expect more free stuff.)
What it all boils down to is I never become the coordinator, I always end up becoming the cash cow; taking all of the costs and getting none of the benefits, not even thanks.
BTW I have started this seasons planting at last.
I'm just starting to plant myself... with no plan yet, having thus far procrastinated for the entire month of March. I'll probably finish the maps just before planting.
As already stated, there are both good & bad people, takers and givers. I tend to believe that there are more givers than takers on most garden forums; I owe much of my own success to the generosity of many other selfless gardeners over the years. Perhaps it is not that those who you trusted in the past are bad people, but that they are following their own path, and don't share your vision. Don't let those people dissuade you from following that vision, to the best of your ability.
And speaking as one who also battles depression, don't ever let anyone which brings you down, or anything, become more important than the people & things which encourage you and bring you joy. Don't let the "users" of the world blind you to the many helpful, wonderful people out there. (a lot of those people are here).
As a collector, let me tell you a secret... we often receive much more seed from others than we will ever be able to grow. That means that every year I sit down & evaluate which varieties are most in need of my efforts - and sometimes, which ones to cut loose. Cutting something loose is always tough; but just as thinning seedlings results in stronger plants, sometimes it is necessary to narrow your focus, for the best use of your time. Because of the volume of seed you have collected, you are in a similar situation. Don't get overwhelmed... pick a few projects that look promising, and focus on those. The good thing about seed is, anything you don't plant now, you can just throw into the freezer for another day. Focus on your successes, and let them give you the optimism to shrug off the failures.
to you... :
