Two Cows

[seedcorn]

TWO COWS

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A.Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A.Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
However, Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio and blames it all on President Clinton.

 

[Carol Dee]

 

[thistlebloom]

Now that was funny!

 

[digitS']

What about Arnold Schwarzenegger and that Milk Maid?

Jerry Brown not allowing your cow to use a tanning parlor unless she is over 18?

And, the San Francisco city council refusing your cow the use of a park bench unless she sits on a newspaper? Assuming she isn't wearing a diaper . . .

Steve's digits

 

[Smiles Jr.]

Man, I'm glad I don't have cows anymore.

 

[Chickie'sMomaInNH]

if this is what happens when you own 2 cows, i don't think i want to know what happens when you own chickens?!?

 

[Smart Red]

Two cows - a true story.

My neighbor and I together bought two young bulls to raise for meat. He put both of them in his barn to care for. They both developed scours. His solution was to decrease the amount of milk additive until they were drinking nothing but cold water. One of the calves died.

I took the other cow into a shared building. Dh fed it before he left for work and when he got home. I fed it before and after school as well as coming home at noon for a feeding. The real (for calfs) food worked better than water and animal finally began to do well.

For some reason, the neighbor figured that our calf had died and he took the remaining calf back to his barn to raise. I do think DH got his $25 back from the two calf purchase.

Not sure just what political policies apply in this case. SIGH!

Now, what was that about chickens?

I imagine I get to buy the feed, tend the birds, clean the coop, collect the eggs in the depths of winter to share with the neighbors, and give the dressed meat ( after I've cleaned it) to the needy. Hum! I wonder who gets the manure?

Love, Smart Red


Edited by Staff to remove profanity

 

[Chickie'sMomaInNH]

hehehe! Red, i have a solution! i garden but after some time i get too much of the s....stuff. well, my new neighbors i got to talk to earlier this week asked if i could give them some for their garden! they couldn't be more excited to hear i had chickens!

 

[digitS']

. . . who gets the manure?

Wait!

 

[Smart Red]

See, now, I've started a fight. I don't like fights. That's why the neighbor got HIS calf and (come to think of it) I got the manure.

Somehow I figured I'D GET THE MANURE 'cuz. . . .

I bought the birds.
I feed the birds.
I water the birds.
I put down their litter.
I clean it up.
I wheel it to the compost pile.
I pile it up.
I turn it over, and over, and over.
I wheel it around again.
Darn it. . . . . . I WANT MY MANURE.

I just might have to move my chickens and hide them in the basement. Sigh! With 30 acres, only one bunny, and 9 chickens, I don't have much pooh to share. As it is, I import cow and horse manure from my SIL's.

Love, Smart Red


Edited by Staff to remove profanity