Bad Manners?

[so lucky]

I have an etiquette question for you:
I am going to a birthday celebration for a relative tomorrow, where the food will all be either fried, out of a box or manufactured. I asked if I could bring something, before I found out what we would be served, and was thanked, but "I have it all under control" was the answer. Purchased potato salad was the closest thing to a vegetable.
So I am wondering how rude it would be of me to bring one or two dishes of fresh vegetables or fruit, for all to eat. I can claim "garden excess" regarding the vegetables, but not the fruit salad. What do you think?

 

[Nyboy]

Might not be the same where you live, but here in NY when you go to someone home you always bring something. It is rude to show up empty handed most people will bring a bottle of wine or dessert. My friends mother is known for her fruit salad, every Time she goes to someones home she brings a fruit salad in a pretty bowl. I don't cook so I always bring wine.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I dont have a clue. How arrogant, proud, touchy, or easily offended are they? Will they take it as a criticism of their menu choices, which it sounds like it is? Will they take it as generosity? Do you or someone else have dietary restrictions where they cant eat that stuff being offered? What are their traditions? Is it a sit-down dinner or more picnic style?

The way my side of the family does these things (at least the older generation) is that people bring food to gatherings, usually a dessert or vegetables but it can even be a meat dish. The background on both my parents sides is basically a hillbilly raised on a small farm for the older ones and their children saw them doing things like this. The younger generation is spread out too much and these traditions are now pretty much lost.

My wifes side of the family is not as laid back in these things. They pretty much dont do picnics. Everything is all planned out including sitting space and table settings. While they would be gracious if someone showed up with something, especially dessert, bringing more than a bottle of wine is really not what happens at their gatherings unless it is arranged beforehand. Thats pretty much limited to a special family dessert that one person makes for practically all gatherings.

I dont know the people involved or the type of gathering. Some people would be offended, some people would be gracious, and some people would welcome the fresh food.

 

[canesisters]

I hate to show up empty handed, but when expressly told not to bring anything, that's what I do.
I would suggest that you eat well before the party. As long as it's not a sit down dinner, you should be able to get away with skipping the food. If you're worried about hurting someone's feelings, you might just carry a plate around for a while.
Have fun and enjoy the time with family.

 

[Carol Dee]

I also try not to show up empty handed. When told NOT to bring food I'll come with flowers from the garden in season. A little treat for the host/hostess. But most of our family gatherings are pretty casual (even Thanksgiving and Christmas) where the host family prepares main course and fills in anything someone has not offered to bring. I almost always host Thanksgiving. Mom-in-law brings homemade rolls, Sis brings pies, my folks bring wine and fresh vegetables. Kids and bachelor Brother come empty handed. So I will do turkey, potatoes and hot vegetable. EASY.
I think Cane has it right. Do not offend if they are liking to be offended. Eat before , just pick at what is to your liking and enjoy the family.

 

[catjac1975]

Eat before you get there and nibble a few things to be polite.

 

[dewdropsinwv]

I would eat before hand that way if there is fried foods served, you don't have to worry about anything. Take a desert of some kind. No one turns don deserts

 

[vfem]

I always bring stuff, even if people ask me not to. And I'll say, its usually appreciated by the other guests because its exactly what you are talking about.... among a sea of store bought potato salad and from a box pasta salad I'll bring fresh cole slaw, tomato & cuke salad and some fruit salad from the local farm w/ vanilla yogurt. (I even bring ice cream cones for the fruit salad for the kids, always a hit!)

If it offends someone, oh well. I feel good because my tupperware is always empty when I leave. HAHAHAHA

 

[so lucky]

Well, I don't think she is very easily offended. She is usually the one doing the offending. And it's not that she specifically told me not to bring anything, just that it was not necessary.
I have known people who have to have complete control of the meal, because everything has to "go together" or be in a particular theme. And I agree, bringing an un-asked-for hamburger helper casserole to an authentic Julia Child French dinner would be obnoxious.
You all have some good perspectives. My head is hurting from having to think! lol But I am thinking about my motives for wanting to bring something, as well. I believe sometimes I can be passive-aggressive, and I must work on that big flaw.
Thanks for the input!

 

[dewdropsinwv]

Doesn't that get on your nerves when someone is being offensive and they don't care? One of my many pet peeves!