Family Restaurant

Phaedra Geiermann

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I wish I could give you a big hug, a pat on the back and sit down for a cup of tea and conversation together. You are an extraordinary woman and I am delighted to call you my friend.

You are an unbelievable support for your FIL and I know it makes your husband love you even more. What is your part in this journey? Exactly what you are doing.
Dear Bay, your words are already many big hugs for me. Just I also wish to have a tea and conversation with you so much.

Big hug ∞
 

Phaedra Geiermann

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I see what you are doing from a different perspective. I may be on the same, or a similar, path as your FIL. Recent stressors (I believe) have contributed to a sudden sharp decline and it is frightening to me. Is it temporary? Or will it just be downhill from here?

I see your posts and am so inspired by what you are doing -- all of it, not just with FIL. But I think, and I hope, that I will be so lucky as he is.
Dear meadow, stressors are pretty toxic for anyone. It's worth figuring them out and seeing if there are some ways to detour and avoid frequent and direct crashes with them.

My FIL has several harmful elements in his earlier life. He took sleeping pills every day for over 25 years, strong pain killers (which are often used for cancer treatment) frequently, and used to take care of the entire family, from the finance to daily chores, without support from the family members.

I guess that he also knew those things would damage his health, just a matter of time. However, ignoring them was the decision, and that kind of decision eventually brought him here. :(
 

Phaedra Geiermann

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I've played Wordle every day for about 4 months :).

DD and I compare. Last week, she had a winning guess in TWO guesses. Today I DID THAT!!!

Howsomeever ... I've completely failed 3 times to guess the word :oops: .

Steve
I just tried Wordle, never heard of this before, and that's difficult, haha, I just gave up three times. A winning guess in Two guesses is amazing!
 

digitS'

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The Wordle words are different each day. Probably, personal choice plays a role in word selection. One thing for sure, our own personal choice plays a role in our guesses. We should try to stay "on an even keel" so as to have the best chances.

Phaedra, I once belonged to a support group: Well Spouse. In their literature I learned a rather stunning fact. The lifetime of a well spouse was shorter than the life of a chronically ill spouse.

Of course, the person needing care was often the older individual. The caregiver may well be the younger spouse. The younger spouse may outlive the other but the odds were tilted so that it was more likely that the caregiver would not live as many years.

This is sad but what it indicates is that the stress of caring for someone chronically ill takes a very serious toll on the caregiver. We should think about this. Think about others in the family. Let's exaggerate the study's findings. Can it be okay with the family that the chronically ill person lives to 75 but the caregiver dies at 67? Self-sacrifice is a virtue? Only within reason.

You are moving towards what we call "respite care." That is a good thing but the transition can be complicated and expensive. There is this thinking that, "I love this person. We should be independent. Others may not do as well." Temper that with "what am I doing to myself and would others in the family want me to damage my health?" Take Good Care of yourself.

Steve
 

meadow

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Dear meadow, stressors are pretty toxic for anyone. It's worth figuring them out and seeing if there are some ways to detour and avoid frequent and direct crashes with them.
Thank you so much for your kindness.

Yes, my father died about a week ago and I've been dealing with a difficult/toxic person. But now I can stay away from them, and my family helps to shield me as well. I find peace in my garden. 😊
 

flowerbug

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I see what you are doing from a different perspective. I may be on the same, or a similar, path as your FIL. Recent stressors (I believe) have contributed to a sudden sharp decline and it is frightening to me. Is it temporary? Or will it just be downhill from here?

I see your posts and am so inspired by what you are doing -- all of it, not just with FIL. But I think, and I hope, that I will be so lucky as he is.

hopefully it is a temporary thing due to the stress or an illness.

i think we're all amazed and humbled. :)
 

Phaedra Geiermann

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The Wordle words are different each day. Probably, personal choice plays a role in word selection. One thing for sure, our own personal choice plays a role in our guesses. We should try to stay "on an even keel" so as to have the best chances.

Phaedra, I once belonged to a support group: Well Spouse. In their literature I learned a rather stunning fact. The lifetime of a well spouse was shorter than the life of a chronically ill spouse.

Of course, the person needing care was often the older individual. The caregiver may well be the younger spouse. The younger spouse may outlive the other but the odds were tilted so that it was more likely that the caregiver would not live as many years.

This is sad but what it indicates is that the stress of caring for someone chronically ill takes a very serious toll on the caregiver. We should think about this. Think about others in the family. Let's exaggerate the study's findings. Can it be okay with the family that the chronically ill person lives to 75 but the caregiver dies at 67? Self-sacrifice is a virtue? Only within reason.

You are moving towards what we call "respite care." That is a good thing but the transition can be complicated and expensive. There is this thinking that, "I love this person. We should be independent. Others may not do as well." Temper that with "what am I doing to myself and would others in the family want me to damage my health?" Take Good Care of yourself.

Steve
Thanks, Steve. It's so nice of you to share your experience with me. 😍

Three opponents in my life formed the current who I am - a toxic family of orientation, a failed marriage, and a career in sales. These opponents always kick me to think ahead and set up the firewall ahead.

In the Chinese culture, as you mentioned, self-sacrifice, like many other similar rigid (ridiculous?) doctrines, is taken as a virtue. I am thankful that I learned some hard lessons during my early years.

I decided to get involved with an exit roadmap in mind. When, How, and What are considered, and the leading indicators are specified/modified along the way of being a caregiver. Compared with my husband, who has a close bond with his father, I can be more objective most time.

We are lucky because of the preparations done when we suspected he was ill a few years ago. Besides, he worked hard for decades in Deutsche Bahn AG (German Railways, a state-owned enterprise), so his pension plans cover pretty well for his current situation. We need to invest our time, but it's not a financial burden for us so far.

Taking care of a chronically ill family member needs a team, from the family members, friends, family physicians, volunteer/paid care personnel, support groups, and insurance/government authorities - the stronger the team is, the better quality of life for all parties can be secured. I am very willing to share the responsibility with whoever can deliver.

Taking good care of myself is always my top priority, and as @meadow said, gardening is also the best way for me to find my inner peace.

See, this is my funny mixed bed. The asparagus started growing like small trees, and the neverending( I only planted them once, and then those tiny ones I didn't dig out will always come back the following spring.) potatoes also show themselves. They gave me so much fun.
1003(1).jpg
 
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Phaedra Geiermann

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Thank you so much for your kindness.

Yes, my father died about a week ago and I've been dealing with a difficult/toxic person. But now I can stay away from them, and my family helps to shield me as well. I find peace in my garden. 😊
I'm sorry for your loss.

Toxic persons :eek: thankfully, you can keep your distance and have family as shield! That will help a lot.

Life is too short, and we have no room for any toxic person to exist.
 

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