I am going back to work

digitS'

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There is a difference between caring for children and caring for the elderly.

Mom had a couple of minor strokes. With the second one, she didn't want to go to the hospital. Dad called me and Mom wanted to talk to me about not wanting care. If the purpose was to convince me, it did the opposite. She couldn't keep her words straight and became very upset. At last, Dad was able to get her to the hospital but she may have thought that she was making an adult decision.

Dad was a year older and they were in their 80's. The next time she needed immediate care, he had just had knee surgery and couldn't drive and had trouble taking care of things after she came home. Of course, that frustrated the both of them.

They are used to making decisions, at the very least, about themselves. After Mom died, Dad made decisions that he later described as "the biggest mistakes of his life." And yet, neither of his sons was able to convince him of a new course - one that was actually being forced on him by court order. A grandson, nearly 50 years old, volunteered. His help was angrily rebuffed.

I talked to a hospital social worker on one of his multiple hospital visits, usually from falls, during the final 12 months of his life. Dad had been sitting at the table with good light aiding his failing eyesight. He says, "I see that you are growing a mustache." I didn't respond but told the social worker that I grew the mustache in 1970. The guy said, "Well, that's where your father is."

I came across a note to my brother that I had written to try to ease his hurt feelings after his help was rejected by Dad. I told how Dad asked about a "girl named 'Nicky' who was "Don's sister." I answered, "If she was Don's sister, wouldn't "Nicky" (Nadine) have been Mom's sister?" He just shrugged. I decided that I wouldn't tell him that she had died nearly 20 years before and he had seen her over many years of her life. Living in 1970?? For Pete's Sake, he was living in the 1930's! And, this guy was repeatedly hiring (and firing) attorneys attempting to continue to make his own decisions in the 21st century.

The endgame for a parent is having a child reach adulthood and being capable of making intelligent, informed decisions About Themselves, in Their Own Lives. I honestly don't know what the parents need to do as they reach a time when their age group amounts to a percent of the population in the single

digitS'
maybe especially, if they are trying to care for their own parents ...
 

Gardening with Rabbits

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That is so heart breaking. It makes me want to take all those precious people and stuff them in my house so they don't have to suffer. :(

That was the hard part, watching them and they had no visitors and I think why they were so curious and following me and my mother to my aunt's room. All they saw daily were mostly just the workers. Another one wanted to use the phone in my aunt's room and I said sure. She called her daughter and was talking and then later a nurse came in and said not to let them use the phone. The daughter had called the home and complained that her mother had called her. I was so shocked of all going on with my aunt and the way the residents were wanting to leave. My aunt was almost 90 years old and weighed around 80 pounds. She was always very small.
 

baymule

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Mom lived with us for 2 years. She went to assisted living and I went almost every day. The last couple of months she was in a nursing home and I went just about every day. Sometimes she didn’t even know I was there. She died on Fathers Day 2015. My husband and I sat with her, talking to her until she took her last breath.

All you can do is the best you can.
 

Just-Moxie

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You didn't misunderstand. They get around it by being an assisted living. I didn't give insulin to the diabetics, I dialed the dose on the pen and handed it to the resident and they gave it to themselves. I could see a whole lot of skirting around the law. There is a RN on staff, she shows up once a week to look over the med logs and such. There were things that just didn't look right and I wanted nothing to do with it. I have never taken crap from anybody over a job and I dang sure ain't gonna start now.

Wow. That is appalling. And unacceptable. I am glad you quit. Bad enough the residents and families must deal with it, but you don't need the bs added to your life.
 

AMKuska

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That was the hard part, watching them and they had no visitors and I think why they were so curious and following me and my mother to my aunt's room. All they saw daily were mostly just the workers. Another one wanted to use the phone in my aunt's room and I said sure. She called her daughter and was talking and then later a nurse came in and said not to let them use the phone. The daughter had called the home and complained that her mother had called her. I was so shocked of all going on with my aunt and the way the residents were wanting to leave. My aunt was almost 90 years old and weighed around 80 pounds. She was always very small.

That's awful. One of my groom dogs when I was a groomer belonged to a man with no family at all. He ended up losing his leg due to diabetes and I kept his dog until he was able to recover. The nursing home he recovered in let me bring the dog to visit him, and he told me they did all kinds of things like have a valentine's day parade. If it wasn't for the dog, he would have refused to leave.

The staff was very patient too. In the lobby an old lady was trying to eat a banana and could no longer remember which part you eat. The nurse with her was very patient and helped her discover the banana part of the banana. It was super sad, but also very cute how sweet and patient he was.
 

flowerbug

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That was the hard part, watching them and they had no visitors and I think why they were so curious and following me and my mother to my aunt's room. All they saw daily were mostly just the workers. Another one wanted to use the phone in my aunt's room and I said sure. She called her daughter and was talking and then later a nurse came in and said not to let them use the phone. The daughter had called the home and complained that her mother had called her. I was so shocked of all going on with my aunt and the way the residents were wanting to leave. My aunt was almost 90 years old and weighed around 80 pounds. She was always very small.

it was so heartbreaking to visit my Grandma in the home where she was at. it was a very nice place and she had good caretakers, but she absolutely did not want to be there. she knew us, we spent so many years with her, she kept wanting to get out of the wheelchair to come with us. the nurses had a clip on her so that when she got out of the wheelchair they would know. we had to take turns going off into another room to cry and then come back and sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her. she passed away not too long after that around 100.

before that she lived on her own in her big house and various people tried to stay with her but she got suspicious and upset and then could not be left on her own. it is so hard to have to put someone under care, but she would not go live with any of her children. good thing she did have plenty of money to afford a decent place. i hate to think of what happens to those who don't have enough or even people who care. :(
 

Ridgerunner

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We had to put Mom in assisted living, no real choice. She came real close to dying. My brother lives 2 hours away and manages the money. The farm has been sold piecemeal, the only thing left is the farmhouse. With Social Security and money from the VA due to Dad's service in WWII it's lasted. Finding out about that VA money was a godsend, it's made the money last. My niece lives in that farmhouse for very low rent. She took care of a lot of Mom's everyday things (like making sure she has pull-ups, clothes, and other supplies) and used to visit her almost every day. It's breaking her heart that she can't see Mom.

I'mm eternally gratefully for one of the ladies that works there. Robin drives them to their doctor's appointments (and keeps track of that), organizes bingo, stuff like that. Real easy to talk to and outgoing. One time I asked how Mom was eating so she took me to the two girls that worked the tables. They told me they watched her plate for what was left and she ate well. I was worried the way she complained about the food but my brother said she was not losing weight. Now I don't worry about that.

Of course no visitors now and Mom cannot talk on a phone. She just can't. But recently Robin called my niece from Mom's phone and relayed messages back and forth. As far as I know she's only done that once but she has a lot of people to take car of.

I hear and believe the stories about how bad it can be. My mother-in-law was moved from one facility to another because of that. I realize how lucky we are that Mom is where she is.
 

ducks4you

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It is not that simple. Sometimes, an aging parent has abused their children so much, it is aMAZING that their children pay to have them kept.
I did a signing for a couple this week. Found out that She had been sexually abused by her step father for 7 years, until she got out at 16yo, and her mother sided with Him.
Her mother was also verbally abusive. Her mother died in a nursing home after kidney failure, and after a leg amputation. I don't know that any of the family, inCluding her son, was was Also abused by the step father, ever visited her.
I don't want to hijack the thread, but I have many other such stories of Why these elderly people don't have visitors. The sweet folks that don't have visitors have rotten, selfish children, or maybe, no children at all, and might be the last of their line.
A friend's mother just passed away after the family sold her house to pay for her care. They Did visit her, even though she had been somewhat abusive to her children. Verbal abuse IS abuse.
You don't know just by looking at them.
 

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